10 Things I'm Afraid to tell You

By | 2/02/2015 16 comments

Hello Beauties!

Today's blog post is going to be different and I hope by the end of this post you see nothing but God's grace over my life. 

One of my fellow blogger buddies/previous client of mine Sherelle of the blog "She Experienced" asked me to participate in the blog chain going around "10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You." I felt this was an amazing idea for a few reasons.

  • Before I began blogging I would compare my life to those online. Bloggers seem to have so much fun with their blogger friends, and their pictures were so pretty, their homes were glamorous and so on and so forth. I know how it feels to feel like you're missing out on all the action. I know how it feels to look at someone else's life and wish you lived that life. 
  • People seem to lose touch with reality when viewing someones life online. They are only snap shots. Mainly of high moments and happy times. No one ever see's the fight, your struggle or sleepless nights. Mainly because...
  • Its not information the world is entitled to. I want to take this time to address something. Blogger/Vloggers/ and everyday people pick and choose what we want to tell the world. What people share online is only a portion of who they are. Just because people don't share everything, does not mean what what is shared is not real. 
With that said, I don't know how you all are going to take the things I'm about to reveal about myself. What I want you to know out of all of this is that life isn't easy for anyone, even though it may look it sometimes. I want you to know that the grass is greener where you water it and that is exactly what I've done with my life. For once I am in a great place...but I fought to be here and I fought to be the woman I am today. Here are my 10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You:

  1. I want to write a book about my life but I am terrified of what my mother/siblings will think of it. It would mostly be about the neglect/abuse I experienced growing up in her home and how I used those experiences to become the woman I am today. She would hate me if I told all! Also, when I've confronted her in the past about things that were done to me, she either says she didn't do it or she doesn't remember such a thing. So I don't know how I could write something she will whole heartedly deny. My dad who was never around won't like how I speak of him as well. (I'm just starting to get somewhere with him after all this time. I don't want to mess it up.)
  2. Out of all the things I've been though, being raped at the age of 17 by a youth leader in my church has to be event that broke, shaped and molded me into the strong woman I am. This is also how I lost my virginity.
  3. #2 is the real reason why I moved away from my home in Seattle (outside of trying to get away from my mother). The guy that raped me told the other youth at my church that he had sex with me. I was sitting in the balcony and heard them whispering loudly about it and I ran out sobbing and crying. I tried to tell them what really happened but no one believed me and they still don't. They said that I probably wanted it or asked for it. So I moved away and I haven't really gone back much because of it. 
  4. I have a hard time making friends. Believe it or not...LOL Its crazy because I'm very social and I LOVE being around people. When it comes to building friendships I get lost. I'm just getting the hang of this thing at the tender age of 26. I don't know how to have small talk. I could never participate in "funny childhood story" conversations or "where were you when you lost your v card" stories. You know...girl talk. I have a depressing story for every moment in your teen life thats supposed to be monumental. Eventually, I started lying about my life...my parents...just so I would not be the downer in the room. I still do this to this day, but I try not to.
  5. I'm a Seventh Day Adventist...well Sabbath Keeping Christian. So in a nutshell, my day of worship is on Saturday and I (shouldn't) work from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. In the industry I'm in, this is such a struggle. Recently during my quiet time with God, I asked him to help me trust Him more so I don't feel the need to work on my day of worship. This was truly put to the test while my husband was sick. I was financially responsible for my family and never turned down a dollar. 
  6. My husbands illness almost broke me and I still fear losing him. If he complains of any tingling, aches or pains...I freak out and its almost too much to bare...but I have to be strong for us both...and I WILL BE! Cause I'm a "G' lol
  7. My children saved my life in 2014. Seeing their faces everyday gave me a reason to live. Without them, I wouldn't have made it though the year. 
  8. I use to be very transparent but now I'm not. Meaning...talking about my life/past didn't bother me so much nor what people thought about it. Now that I have a family, I'm very cautions of what I tell people about anything. I am very protective over my family, my husband and I will pounce on anyone who even looks like they are thinking about doing something sideways. 
  9. I talked about this for a bit in my blog post For the Dreamers. After I had my son Noah my husband and I both lost our jobs along with everything we owned. Apartment, car...you name it. We lost it. Right when we were getting back on our feet my husband got sick and we lost everything again when we had to move to Connecticut for his treatment at Yale. BUT GOD! FINALLY...all is well in the world. We are actually getting ready to move into our new place at the end of February and I can not wait. I have an entire room just to take clients, record Makeup tutorials and take lovely blog photos. I could cry I'm so excited. 
  10. I'm still finding my place in the beauty world. To be honest with you, I'm still trying to figure out what I want in life. This year I may be taking a back seat in doing makeup. My husband got a new job and I will need to be home more with my kids. So this is one reason why I made a separate Instagram for my blog since that will be what I'll mostly have time for. This year I'll be doing what I can from home...hope you all don't mind. :) 
Deep sigh. Let me tell you...my hands are shaking like crazy typing this. I'm totally afraid of what you all will say or think. I'm afraid of what my friends will say or thing who may be reading this from Seattle. Its a lot. What I want you to take from all this is that nobody's life is perfect. No one is trying to make it seem that way. What you see on Instagram not only on my page but other blogger and vloggers ...is work and it has nothing to do with their personal life. I also hope that you see how God could take a young girl like me from growing up in an abusive home, broken..and raped...and turn her into a beautiful, confident...Woman, Wife, Mother of Two and business woman. If you told me or people who knew me that I would grace essence.com and work with client's like Angie Stone...we'd all laugh. I wouldn't believe it...and sometimes I look back smile and laugh at all the Devil's attempts to take me out. 

If you find yourself in the middle of the storm of your life hear me now, hear me good. God is right there with you and everything you are experiencing may not be fair...but its necessary to shape you into the woman or man God has called you to be. I hate that I was raped, but if that didn't happened, I would've never left Seattle. I would've never married my husband, I wouldn't be a makeup artist...or have these two wonderful children. God's way is always the right way. Its never promised to be easy...nor does it always make sense. One day, you will be able to look back...and laugh at those storms...and thank those storms for raging. Because now, I am (you are) a force to be reckoned with! I hope you still love me

Until Next time, 
<3 Bee

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16 comments : Leave Your Comments

  1. Replies
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  2. God bless you, Bee! I applaud you for sharing pieces of your story with us. I also encourage you to write that book, girl. God will see you and your family through it all. Peace and love. xoxo, Ariel

  3. You're simply amazing Bee! Thanks for sharing. Remember God has given us the spirit of power, love and a sound mind. May He bless you and your family abundantly. Much love from Cameroon, west africa!!!

  4. Thanks for sharing! Wishing you more strength and love, peace and joy! God bless you and your family.

  5. Wow! Now thats a testimony! I'm happy you brave enough to share! Thank you.

  6. Wow! I just started following your blog and I have to say you have been through a lot. I hope you write your book. I don't make friends easy but the Lord sent me one and I'm am blessed. Thank you for sharing this.

  7. Bee....look at God! You are simply amazing! Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us-your readers!

  8. Thank you. For being vulnerable.For letting thousands of women out here who are faking it until they make it for the gram, to stop hiding behind filters and image distorters and come into the light. Women(and Men)who position their cameras just so to hide the internal, and at times, external scars of abuse.Thank you for opening up about being a survivor of sexual assult, because simply saying something to those you love must not have been easy. To now share it with us, we should be so blessed to have you be so candid to share this part of your life. You are a Queen. The quintessential example of perfection, and God's love personified. Please don't forget that. I look forward to your book in the near future, more open discussions in our community about sexual assault, and a rally cry to our sisters to bring their assailants into the light of justice. Thank you,thank you,thank you.We love you sis,we got your back.

    1. * for letting thousands of women out here who are faking it until they make it for the gram, know that it's okay*

  9. Thank you for being so transparent! You are amazing!

  10. Thank you for sharing your story...much of is very familiar to me and its good to know that you can over come your past. Thanks for sharing!

  11. Wow. You are incredibly strong and beautiful. I am seventh day Adventist too (born and raised). I too struggle with keeping the sabbath but right now financially I have to work almost every day to pay my bills. I am so blessed to come across your blog/YT/IG page. It truly uplifted my soul. I feel the same way when it comes to being able to socialize with many people just because I have been burned by many people so many time. Therefore my trust in people is very low. But I am very sorry for what you have been through but like you said God never left you. He was there every step of the way and you are stronger than ever now. You have a beautiful family. I plan to move to GA due to my whole family is moving so I'm working hard to move out on my own since it's cheap there. But I hope to meet you one day, God's willing, because you are amazing and inspiring. 😊


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